Hello! It is that time...the Monday weigh-in. The anticipation, the stress, the wonderings, what will the scale show? I actually weighed myself first thing this morning, and I actually felt myself trying to "think lighter" before I stepped on the scale. In case you wondering, it didn't work:) But I got on there, for my weekly status update of sorts and the verdict is...4 pounds lighter than on July 3rd. I know that doesn't sound like a "get excited" kind of number, but I'm happy with it!
Actually, I'm not...but I know it took 9 1/2 years to get all this weight on, it's not like it is coming off in a month or anything. SO, realistically, I'm happy about it!:)
My food over the weekend stayed on track without the blogging, which in all honesty, in the back of my mind, I thought that if I strayed one day away from here, that I'd be face down in a bucket of ice cream, or worse surrounded by M&M wrappers...can you tell what my weaknesses are?
Anyway, I stayed strong with my wraps and salads, for my meals, and I discovered a very yummy snack. The kelloggs crackers and the laughing cow cheese make for a very yummy snack, especially if you add some grapes or strawberries with it. Definitely helps get me past those VERY HUNGRY moments!
I sort of feel like I hit a wall tonight. I don't feel the energy I had a few days ago and I want ALL foods I shouldn't have, I even want foods I don't want. I got a craving to take bread and just smear butter over it and eat until my stomach said it wasn't hungry anymore. I have never craved butter and bread like that, I don't even like the sound of it now. Hmmph, go figure. I know I need to mix up the meals and keep it fresh so my appetitite doesn't get tired, and I've tried to mix up the meats I put on my salads, but tonight...no...such...luck!
I did not want one thing good for me, not one thing. I'm not on a normal eating schedule for the next few days, so that has something to do with it...and at 8:30 at night, one should not really be eating anything...but I decided on cereal...a small bowl, with little milk. It has done the trick and I haven't fallen off the wagon, so to speak.:)
I have learned over the years when I've dieted before, or tried to change my eating habits, so much of diet and health is psychological. I think there is so much about what we eat and how we take care of ourselves is wrapped in our psyche, sometimes it feels like we are doomed before we even begin. So, for this particular journey I've started, I'm really fighting that urge to say "Oh, screw it, I will never be able to do this...LET ME EAT CAKE!" I KNOW I am stronger than that, I know I am, I know I am, and if I just say it over and over again, I will be just fine!:)
Once again, to the readers of this I know about, and to those I don't know about, thanks for the mere appearance of reading my thoughts because it is making a huge difference on how I am keeping myself on track. And it feels like I've got little cheerleaders following me around all day, and that my friends, is an amazing feeling! THANK YOU!
xoxo
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fat Free Friday?
In a word? Stinks! Oh, sure, I feel fabulous right now because I didn't cheat...like I wanted to. And I just got done on the treadmill...whoopity-whoop-whoop! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah,, blah...
All of that, at this moment in time, pales in comparison to the chocolate desert I just gave up. You know the one, chocolate brownie with fudge in the middle, topped with vanilla ice cream, smothered in hot fudge! Yes, that dessert! That small piece of paradise which could have been sitting on my plate, then on my spoon, then into my system...putting me in a chocolate euphoria coma...and I would have loved EVERY. LAST. BITE! At this point I would have licked my plate clean like an alley cat who just got served a giant bowl of milk.
Alas, I did not get to meet up with my chocolate-fudge-ice-cream-hot-fudge date tonight. I ate a salad, with grilled chicken and low fat dressing...and the more I tell myself how good it was, the fuller my stomach feels.
This diet, I believe, will be hardest on Fridays. Isn't Friday the most fun night of all nights? Isn't that when there is something innately in us that craves going out on Friday and celebrating the week we just completed? Don't you think 90% of the population thinks, "How 'bout pizza for dinner tonight?" Or, "let's go out and have some drinks and good food?" Or, "Do you want me to stop and pick something up for dinner?"
Today was a wonderful day with wonderful company all day, which helps me forget the food I WANT TO HAVE! I went to the movies and did not have one single piece of popcorn. I do in fact feel like a user who will fall completely off the wagon if I take that one hit. And I didn't want to have just one piece of popcorn, I wanted the entire large size box...and I wanted to mix in peanut butter M & M's and pretzel M & M's and eat until I gained back the three pounds I have lost. That is what I WANTED to do! What I did, was sit and drink my diet citrus green tea. I won't lie...it was crappy for awhile, and then the urge passed and all was good again.
Until, that is, I wanted that blasted chocolate dessert. Darn that dessert. I will dream of that dessert. I will crave that dessert when I wake up in the morning, I know it. I will pretend everything I eat tomorrow is that dessert. This is how much I wanted that dessert. But I was at dinner with a friend, who reads this...and that is what stopped me. The thought of having to put out here, for you to read, that I cheated and ate 1,000,000 million calories and 5,000,000 grams of fat. Call me crazy, call me weird, but by having this blog, it really made a difference.
Whatever the reason, I am one chocolate dessert lighter, and one very low fat salad heavier, and with that, I will say goodnight and hope you all dream gooey-chocolate-hot-fudge-ice-cream-fudgey dreams too!
xoxo
All of that, at this moment in time, pales in comparison to the chocolate desert I just gave up. You know the one, chocolate brownie with fudge in the middle, topped with vanilla ice cream, smothered in hot fudge! Yes, that dessert! That small piece of paradise which could have been sitting on my plate, then on my spoon, then into my system...putting me in a chocolate euphoria coma...and I would have loved EVERY. LAST. BITE! At this point I would have licked my plate clean like an alley cat who just got served a giant bowl of milk.
Alas, I did not get to meet up with my chocolate-fudge-ice-cream-hot-fudge date tonight. I ate a salad, with grilled chicken and low fat dressing...and the more I tell myself how good it was, the fuller my stomach feels.
This diet, I believe, will be hardest on Fridays. Isn't Friday the most fun night of all nights? Isn't that when there is something innately in us that craves going out on Friday and celebrating the week we just completed? Don't you think 90% of the population thinks, "How 'bout pizza for dinner tonight?" Or, "let's go out and have some drinks and good food?" Or, "Do you want me to stop and pick something up for dinner?"
Today was a wonderful day with wonderful company all day, which helps me forget the food I WANT TO HAVE! I went to the movies and did not have one single piece of popcorn. I do in fact feel like a user who will fall completely off the wagon if I take that one hit. And I didn't want to have just one piece of popcorn, I wanted the entire large size box...and I wanted to mix in peanut butter M & M's and pretzel M & M's and eat until I gained back the three pounds I have lost. That is what I WANTED to do! What I did, was sit and drink my diet citrus green tea. I won't lie...it was crappy for awhile, and then the urge passed and all was good again.
Until, that is, I wanted that blasted chocolate dessert. Darn that dessert. I will dream of that dessert. I will crave that dessert when I wake up in the morning, I know it. I will pretend everything I eat tomorrow is that dessert. This is how much I wanted that dessert. But I was at dinner with a friend, who reads this...and that is what stopped me. The thought of having to put out here, for you to read, that I cheated and ate 1,000,000 million calories and 5,000,000 grams of fat. Call me crazy, call me weird, but by having this blog, it really made a difference.
Whatever the reason, I am one chocolate dessert lighter, and one very low fat salad heavier, and with that, I will say goodnight and hope you all dream gooey-chocolate-hot-fudge-ice-cream-fudgey dreams too!
xoxo
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Fatty Liver and Nodules and Gallstones OH MY!
Went in for my liver...and found a gallstone! I got the results already, my doctor called me himself! (Insert minor panic attack when I heard his voice)
I knew they would tell me my liver was fatty, and that is exactly what he told me. SIGH!
"Fatty infiltration of the liver" is the song running through my brain. It makes me laugh, I think I have fatty infiltration of the entire body. It helps knowing skinny people who I know have fatty livers, but basically it comes from cholesterol and skinny or fat, high cholesterol is high cholesterol and mine has been steadily climbing over the course of the last 6 years. Treatment is medicine and the medicine is already being taken.
AND, I have a liver nodule...which means a CT Scan just to make sure it is the size the sonogram said it is. But, it is small enough that nothing should really need to be done about it...YAY!
And, for an extra bonus; I do have a gallstone! For some reason putting an exclamation mark after that makes it sound happier and more bubbly! Like it is a good thing...not. At least it is only one, not inflammed and the gallbladder itself is good so just have to stay away from fat...which I'm already doing. And enjoying every minute of my fat-free days!!!!(note the extra exclamations)
All in all, not a bad visit. Could have worse, considering they look at the pancreas, spleen, kidneys...at least all of those are working in proper order. It is a most frustrating thing to know stuff that is wrong with you, you did it all to yourself. And in the words of the great Carolyn, "I can't cry, I did it to myself," I will not cry for I did this to myself.
Today, my eating got all messed up. I fasted for the appointment and came home and had my croissant for breakfast with a kelloggs chocolate pretzel bar (90 calories; 2 grams of fat) and then I rushed back out the door and missed lunch completely. Not going to lose weight that way. So, I had a snack, just a little bit ago and it did not do the trick. All I want is ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I am NOT supposed to have. Moments like this make me think of a drug addict in the midst of withdrawal, or a smoker craving just one cigarette, or an alcoholic who falls off the wagon and just doesn't care because the bad stuff tastes so good.
I know how good the food would taste...in fact I can almost taste it know. But more importantly, I know how badly I would feel once the last bite was taken. Funny thing is, I never really ate horribly all the time. I probably ate bad 50% of the time, the other 50% was spent fooling myself that I'm making good healthly choices. Clearly, I have issues! :) Because I didn't just get this way by way of food but also by way of not exercising...and there in lies the rub! It's the whole package, the whole kit-n-kaboodle, the whole enchilada, the whole...agghhh...food again!
On that note I am ending for tonight! Going to fix whole wheat spaghetti with just sauce (no meat tonight) and make a salad. I'm headed out later to meet a friend for coffee and I know not what to order because my drink of choice is the fatty, rich, creamy, blended coffee that is SOOO bad for you. But, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....order some tea!:)
I am going to treadmill later and because I put it on here, I WILL do it! PROMISE!!
Thank you again for all my fabulous friends and your comments and messages and emails that have made me feel AMAZING and quite honestly, like a ROCKSTAR!
Have a yummy night everyone!
xoxo
I knew they would tell me my liver was fatty, and that is exactly what he told me. SIGH!
"Fatty infiltration of the liver" is the song running through my brain. It makes me laugh, I think I have fatty infiltration of the entire body. It helps knowing skinny people who I know have fatty livers, but basically it comes from cholesterol and skinny or fat, high cholesterol is high cholesterol and mine has been steadily climbing over the course of the last 6 years. Treatment is medicine and the medicine is already being taken.
AND, I have a liver nodule...which means a CT Scan just to make sure it is the size the sonogram said it is. But, it is small enough that nothing should really need to be done about it...YAY!
And, for an extra bonus; I do have a gallstone! For some reason putting an exclamation mark after that makes it sound happier and more bubbly! Like it is a good thing...not. At least it is only one, not inflammed and the gallbladder itself is good so just have to stay away from fat...which I'm already doing. And enjoying every minute of my fat-free days!!!!(note the extra exclamations)
All in all, not a bad visit. Could have worse, considering they look at the pancreas, spleen, kidneys...at least all of those are working in proper order. It is a most frustrating thing to know stuff that is wrong with you, you did it all to yourself. And in the words of the great Carolyn, "I can't cry, I did it to myself," I will not cry for I did this to myself.
Today, my eating got all messed up. I fasted for the appointment and came home and had my croissant for breakfast with a kelloggs chocolate pretzel bar (90 calories; 2 grams of fat) and then I rushed back out the door and missed lunch completely. Not going to lose weight that way. So, I had a snack, just a little bit ago and it did not do the trick. All I want is ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that I am NOT supposed to have. Moments like this make me think of a drug addict in the midst of withdrawal, or a smoker craving just one cigarette, or an alcoholic who falls off the wagon and just doesn't care because the bad stuff tastes so good.
I know how good the food would taste...in fact I can almost taste it know. But more importantly, I know how badly I would feel once the last bite was taken. Funny thing is, I never really ate horribly all the time. I probably ate bad 50% of the time, the other 50% was spent fooling myself that I'm making good healthly choices. Clearly, I have issues! :) Because I didn't just get this way by way of food but also by way of not exercising...and there in lies the rub! It's the whole package, the whole kit-n-kaboodle, the whole enchilada, the whole...agghhh...food again!
On that note I am ending for tonight! Going to fix whole wheat spaghetti with just sauce (no meat tonight) and make a salad. I'm headed out later to meet a friend for coffee and I know not what to order because my drink of choice is the fatty, rich, creamy, blended coffee that is SOOO bad for you. But, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....order some tea!:)
I am going to treadmill later and because I put it on here, I WILL do it! PROMISE!!
Thank you again for all my fabulous friends and your comments and messages and emails that have made me feel AMAZING and quite honestly, like a ROCKSTAR!
Have a yummy night everyone!
xoxo
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
All I Can Say Is...
...WOW! I am overwhelmed already by my friends who have already read and commented and sent me emails about it. What fabulous friends I have and what amazing encouragement you have already given me and it has only been a few hours! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
AND, man did it work! The old Erin, and by old I mean the Erin from two weeks ago, would have looked at my treadmill tonight and thought, "I really need to get on that and workout." My best friend's best advice was to work out while watching my favorite shows...which is a fabulous idea. But, the old Erin did that for a few days and then found any other possible reason to do any other possible chore or task that could keep me from working out on that treadmill.
But TONIGHT, oh boy, TONIGHT... it was as if magic fairy dust was thrown over me, I hopped up on that treadmill and did my best workout yet!! I increased the speed, the incline, the time...I honestly want to pass out right now, and I can feel my heartbeat in my eyeballs, but I don't care!!
So, here is my plan for the blog. Every Monday I'm going to weigh myself and post it (after I've lost some of course). I'm in no way strong enough to post my current weight:) And I'm going to post my food and exercise for the day at the end of the posts.
The other reason for this exercise in written therapy is tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound to check my liver. I've had issues with that since I was about 23, and has it made me stay on track health - wise? Nooooo! More thoughts on that later...all I can think about now is what an awesome group of amazing close friends I am lucky enough to know!! Thanks guys!
Weight: 3 pounds less than last week:)
Exercise: 30 minutes on treadmill
Lunch: Turkey & cheese wrap (recipe from my bestie:) with lettuce, tomato and a pinch of mayo
The wraps are low carb, whole wheat, and low fat...SOO Good!!
Veggie chips
Fat free pudding
Dinner: Grilled chicken salad, tomato & cheese
1 Diet Coke
1 Iced Tea
NOT NEARLY ENOUGH WATER!
Have a wonderful night!!:)
xoxo
AND, man did it work! The old Erin, and by old I mean the Erin from two weeks ago, would have looked at my treadmill tonight and thought, "I really need to get on that and workout." My best friend's best advice was to work out while watching my favorite shows...which is a fabulous idea. But, the old Erin did that for a few days and then found any other possible reason to do any other possible chore or task that could keep me from working out on that treadmill.
But TONIGHT, oh boy, TONIGHT... it was as if magic fairy dust was thrown over me, I hopped up on that treadmill and did my best workout yet!! I increased the speed, the incline, the time...I honestly want to pass out right now, and I can feel my heartbeat in my eyeballs, but I don't care!!
So, here is my plan for the blog. Every Monday I'm going to weigh myself and post it (after I've lost some of course). I'm in no way strong enough to post my current weight:) And I'm going to post my food and exercise for the day at the end of the posts.
The other reason for this exercise in written therapy is tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound to check my liver. I've had issues with that since I was about 23, and has it made me stay on track health - wise? Nooooo! More thoughts on that later...all I can think about now is what an awesome group of amazing close friends I am lucky enough to know!! Thanks guys!
Weight: 3 pounds less than last week:)
Exercise: 30 minutes on treadmill
Lunch: Turkey & cheese wrap (recipe from my bestie:) with lettuce, tomato and a pinch of mayo
The wraps are low carb, whole wheat, and low fat...SOO Good!!
Veggie chips
Fat free pudding
Dinner: Grilled chicken salad, tomato & cheese
1 Diet Coke
1 Iced Tea
NOT NEARLY ENOUGH WATER!
Have a wonderful night!!:)
xoxo
I have wanted to start a blog for a long time, because I love reading blogs. But, several reasons always stop me from this blogging club I so want to be a part of.
1) I'm not a great "on the fly" writer. I have to write, then rewrite, rewrite again, think it over a couple of days, then rewrite a few more times before I'm ready to say it is done. Clearly, it takes a long time. Can we say a little OCD? Probably.
2) Who on earth would want to read my thoughts, my opinions, my musings and whatever else I'd want to write?
3) I'm a wee bit paranoid about putting anything OUT THERE, you know, OUT into the WORLD WIDE WEB! Still, a little OCD, I know.
4) I write all the time, but once anything becomes routine for me...I turn into a bit of a procrastinator.
Basically I've just been afraid to take the leap. I want my writing to be as pithy and wonderful as all the smart and amazing blogs I read, and in my own corner of the world it is, but is it important enough to put OUT THERE? But then I thought about all the things I've talked myself out of and thought, who cares? Fear of embarassment has kept me from doing many things I would have rocked at...and this is just a blog...not solving the world's problems, right?
So, here I am exposing myself to the INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY because I need something to answer to, a reason to be accountable in hopes of succeeding in this enormous journey I'm putting myself on.
My journey...sigh...the journey of a fat girl yearning to be thin again...the journey of an unhealthy person needing to get healthy...the journey of me right now, trying to become a better me! (okay, so that last part sounded a bit touchy-feely, but you get the point)
And on that note, my maiden voyage into the blogging world shall begin...TA-DA!! (geez, dramatic much? sorry, got a little carried away)
I have found myself at 31 years old, extremely unhealthy. It's not horrible, but it is not good. And not where I should be in the least. I have always looked at myself in the mirror as I've packed on the pounds and thought "Yep, still good, no need to change."
And over the years, I hear about the obesity epidemic and how we as a country are just simply getting fatter and fatter and physically inactive. I know this is true, but, honestly, I don't know anyone in my life that is really like that. No one in my world is extremely unhealthy like that, until one day I realized the unfit, unhealthy, un-thin, unable to stop eating chic I'm seeing in the mirror was me!
WHAT happened to me? Why and how did I get like this? I'm not talking about "Oh, I need to lose twenty pounds or so"...I'm talking about, "WOMAN!! You are fat!!" I will gladly admit that in my younger days I was a girl that would say "I'm so fat," but knew deep down I really wasn't. Ahh, youth...what the hell were we thinking? But, I digress.
Basically, in the last 10 years I've gained, (I cannot believe I'm going to admit this), a jean busting 110 pounds. How did this happen? Two years ago I was on a roll, a flippin' rockstar roll! Eating right, dropping weight, working out 3-4 times a week, drinking the water, feeling the burn, doing great and then, BAM, I lose the willpower.
I got sick and stayed sick and it sunk me. I've been ashamed and embarassed because I know so many other people who have been through so much more and they don't look like this. I kept beating myself up mentally and clearly fell in a funk I couldn't get out of. What was causing this? I did want to change but I didn't know how. I couldn't work out for so long because of unbearable chest pains I was having and the medicine I was on made me want to sleep all day and do nothing remotely resembling exercise. And by the looks of my body, that is exactly what I did...NOTHING!
Then I stopped the medicine, chest pains stopped...I was free to work out and get myself back up on the exercise wagon and what did I do? NOTHING!
Was it laziness? Depression? Frustration? Emotional? Is it deeper than I just love food and chocolate?
Bottom line is I survived a pulmonary embolism and am killing myself with food and non activity. Enough is enough! I'm taking my body on and I will win!!
I'm going to chart and blog about my food intake, my exercise, my (EEK) weight, and everything in between to get me to my goal...TO LOSE 100 POUNDS!
So, I hope you will join me on my journey and get something out of it...even if it is humor, enlightening, or simply a cautionary tale, I appreciate you reading! :)
Here we go...No More "WAIST"ing Time!!
1) I'm not a great "on the fly" writer. I have to write, then rewrite, rewrite again, think it over a couple of days, then rewrite a few more times before I'm ready to say it is done. Clearly, it takes a long time. Can we say a little OCD? Probably.
2) Who on earth would want to read my thoughts, my opinions, my musings and whatever else I'd want to write?
3) I'm a wee bit paranoid about putting anything OUT THERE, you know, OUT into the WORLD WIDE WEB! Still, a little OCD, I know.
4) I write all the time, but once anything becomes routine for me...I turn into a bit of a procrastinator.
Basically I've just been afraid to take the leap. I want my writing to be as pithy and wonderful as all the smart and amazing blogs I read, and in my own corner of the world it is, but is it important enough to put OUT THERE? But then I thought about all the things I've talked myself out of and thought, who cares? Fear of embarassment has kept me from doing many things I would have rocked at...and this is just a blog...not solving the world's problems, right?
So, here I am exposing myself to the INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY because I need something to answer to, a reason to be accountable in hopes of succeeding in this enormous journey I'm putting myself on.
My journey...sigh...the journey of a fat girl yearning to be thin again...the journey of an unhealthy person needing to get healthy...the journey of me right now, trying to become a better me! (okay, so that last part sounded a bit touchy-feely, but you get the point)
And on that note, my maiden voyage into the blogging world shall begin...TA-DA!! (geez, dramatic much? sorry, got a little carried away)
I have found myself at 31 years old, extremely unhealthy. It's not horrible, but it is not good. And not where I should be in the least. I have always looked at myself in the mirror as I've packed on the pounds and thought "Yep, still good, no need to change."
And over the years, I hear about the obesity epidemic and how we as a country are just simply getting fatter and fatter and physically inactive. I know this is true, but, honestly, I don't know anyone in my life that is really like that. No one in my world is extremely unhealthy like that, until one day I realized the unfit, unhealthy, un-thin, unable to stop eating chic I'm seeing in the mirror was me!
WHAT happened to me? Why and how did I get like this? I'm not talking about "Oh, I need to lose twenty pounds or so"...I'm talking about, "WOMAN!! You are fat!!" I will gladly admit that in my younger days I was a girl that would say "I'm so fat," but knew deep down I really wasn't. Ahh, youth...what the hell were we thinking? But, I digress.
Basically, in the last 10 years I've gained, (I cannot believe I'm going to admit this), a jean busting 110 pounds. How did this happen? Two years ago I was on a roll, a flippin' rockstar roll! Eating right, dropping weight, working out 3-4 times a week, drinking the water, feeling the burn, doing great and then, BAM, I lose the willpower.
I got sick and stayed sick and it sunk me. I've been ashamed and embarassed because I know so many other people who have been through so much more and they don't look like this. I kept beating myself up mentally and clearly fell in a funk I couldn't get out of. What was causing this? I did want to change but I didn't know how. I couldn't work out for so long because of unbearable chest pains I was having and the medicine I was on made me want to sleep all day and do nothing remotely resembling exercise. And by the looks of my body, that is exactly what I did...NOTHING!
Then I stopped the medicine, chest pains stopped...I was free to work out and get myself back up on the exercise wagon and what did I do? NOTHING!
Was it laziness? Depression? Frustration? Emotional? Is it deeper than I just love food and chocolate?
Bottom line is I survived a pulmonary embolism and am killing myself with food and non activity. Enough is enough! I'm taking my body on and I will win!!
I'm going to chart and blog about my food intake, my exercise, my (EEK) weight, and everything in between to get me to my goal...TO LOSE 100 POUNDS!
So, I hope you will join me on my journey and get something out of it...even if it is humor, enlightening, or simply a cautionary tale, I appreciate you reading! :)
Here we go...No More "WAIST"ing Time!!
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